Rejection in Sex Work: A Companion’s Perspective
Rejection. No one likes it, but all of us have experienced it at one point or another. Unfortunately, part of being a companion involves dishing out rejection on a regular basis. Whether it’s declining a screening form, ending a relationship with an established client, or refusing an activity that makes me feel unsafe, I am constantly telling people “no”. And I hate every minute of it. An empath and a people pleaser by nature, I am much more comfortable saying “yes” than I am saying “no”. My inclination is to make everyone feel happy, welcome, and accepted. This desire to accommodate everyone has actually caused problems for me in the past. I have stayed in relationships long past their expiration date because of my unwillingness to upset the other person. I have let clients push my boundaries for fear of losing their business.
When I first began sex work, I didn’t have a screening process. A few quick texts was all it took for complete strangers to gain access to my personal space and my body. Fortunately, I met some wonderful men. I also met men I was not comfortable spending time with due to their attitude, actions, or hygiene. Some I just didn’t click with, and they would probably have been better suited for another provider. Others made me feel openly uneasy. Yet, I quickly found there is no easy way to tell certain clients that I am not interested in seeing them.
As a non-confrontational person, my first instinct was to simply not respond to people I did not wish to see. I reasoned that if I did not respond, they would get the hint and move on. However, that was rarely the case. Some people continued texting, calling, and emailing me for months or even years without receiving a response from me. I felt a twinge of guilt when I saw their unanswered messages. My intent was to spare their feelings, not to string them along.
In an attempt to clarify my intentions behind unanswered messages, I posted on Twitter, “If you have contacted me multiple times through multiple methods, and I don’t respond, it means I’m not interested. The reason is irrelevant, please respect my preferences and move on”. My tweet reached at least one person in its intended audience: a former client who had been texting me for a year without receiving a response reached out and thanked me. He said he hadn’t realized that my lack of response meant I wasn’t interested in seeing him. He then wished me the best of luck and stopped texting me.
I couldn’t help but wonder: After a year of not receiving a response, how did he not realize I wasn’t interested? A trusted gentleman brought something to light that I hadn’t considered. He explained that while many providers may not respond when they’re busy or unavailable, it isn’t necessarily a sign of rejection. It’s not unusual for a guy to reach out to a provider ten times without an answer, and on the eleventh time receive a response. So, maybe some of the guys who kept contacting me figured I was busy or temporarily unavailable, and that eventually I would respond.
My tweet also received some backlash. One male responder replied that it was cruel and unfair for me to simply ignore people I didn’t want to see. And I could see where he was coming from. I don’t like ignoring people any more than they like being ignored. Unfortunately, I have learned in my time as a companion that politely telling someone I’m not interested can cause the situation to escalate. Someone who is irritated at being ignored can become enraged upon feeling rejected.
Why is it so hard for some people to accept a “no thank you” from a provider? After all, isn’t it a business relationship, similar to a doctor informing you that they are changing practices and can no longer treat you? As a companion, I deal with some of the most personal and vulnerable aspects of people’s lives. I may offer them intimacy they have been missing for a long time, listen to secrets they don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else, or provide them with a safe place to be themselves without fear of judgement. So, I understand how it can be hard to swallow that the companion who seemed so willing to accept you for the person you are, no longer wants to see you.
Some people lack strong relationships in their personal lives, and their experiences with a particular companion were some of the few times they felt accepted and valued. Once they realize they can no longer spend time with that person who made them feel good, their feelings can quickly change to sadness, despair and self-loathing. They may also feel angry – at themselves for “messing it up”, or at the companion for being just another person on the long list of people who have hurt them. They may beg her to reconsider, which then puts her in the awkward situation of having to reject the person all over again, or ignore her own feelings and see that person despite her desire not to. They may become angry and vindictive, attempting to inflict the pain they are feeling onto her. It’s not difficult to imagine how this could be unhealthy for the client and lead to an unsafe situation for the provider.
I believe there are also men who harbor some resentment regarding their reliance on companions in the first place. They seem to feel that they shouldn’t have to pay for sex. They subconsciously (or consciously) resent sex workers for profiting off of their loneliness. (If you would like to see this species in its natural habitat, check out www.eccie.com) Now imagine this person, who resents paying for intimacy, being informed that their provider of choice refuses to see them. They were barely okay with the idea of exchanging cash for companionship in the first place, and now they must face the reality that money can’t buy them the attention they feel they deserve.
Someone who was showering a companion with praise can quickly turn to hurling insults. “You’re just a stupid whore anyways”. “Go suck another dick, cunt”. While words alone are not dangerous, there are people who are not satisfied with insults and begin to plot revenge. It could be as petty as posting a negative review, or spreading a defamatory rumor. Maybe they attempt to circumvent the provider’s screening. It could even be as serious as stalking, showing up at her incall, and physically hurting her. And there’s no way to tell which one it will be. I have seen some of the most polite, gentlemanly suitors turn on a dime and become vindictive assholes after being told “no”.
This experience is not unique to me; and it’s one of the reasons why many providers prefer to remain silent rather than give someone an explanation as to why their messages have gone unanswered. However, not responding to people I do not wish to see has its downsides. For example, someone who submitted a screening form may waste weeks waiting for a response when they could have moved on and booked another provider.
Another potential downside to my policy of ignoring unwanted suitors is that it created confusion with my regular clients. After reading my tweet, many of my regular clients believed I was mad at them or didn’t want to see them anymore if I failed to answer one of their texts or didn’t answer a booking request immediately. While I strive to answer communications in a timely manner, the reality is that sometimes a message will slip through the cracks and be buried in my inbox several hours later. While I encourage my regulars to re-send their message the next day if they haven’t received a response, some were afraid of bothering me, and erroneously concluded that I must not want to see them anymore.
There didn’t seem to be a clear-cut solution. By ignoring messages and taking a passive stance on rejection, I inadvertently caused people to continue contacting me, hoping I would respond at some point. It also created confusion with clients I did want to see, who assumed that I no longer wanted to see them if I didn’t answer immediately. And it didn’t seem fair to give the silent treatment to someone who had followed directions and taken the time to fill out a screening form.
I decided to experiment by responding to applicants I wasn’t able to meet. I receive a high volume of screening forms – anywhere from 10 to 20 a week. There are many reasons I may decline a screening form, ranging from safety concerns, to inability to follow directions, to compatibility issues. I’m sure in the course of business I have rejected potential clients who are perfectly nice people; we’re just not well-suited for each other. And even if every person passed my screening for safety and compatibility, I physically do not have the time to accommodate 40-80 new clients a month. Instead, I select the applicants who I believe will be best suited for my company and who have followed directions.
So, I began responding to suitors I was unable to accommodate with a short and sweet “no thank you” message. To my surprise, the majority of them handled being turned down gracefully. “Thanks for letting me know,” was the most common response. However, it wasn’t all smooth sailing. Some applicants that I declined continued to submit screening forms. Perhaps they were hoping I would change my mind, or that I would have a slow week and reconsider. What they likely failed to realize is that continuing to contact me indicated poor impulse control and a lack of respect for boundaries, which only reinforced my decision not to meet them.
Overall, I felt comfortable with the responses I received directly informing potential suitors that I wasn’t able to meet. Most of them seemed to appreciate me contacting them: after all, we hadn’t established a relationship yet, and it was possible I was their second or third choice, or maybe they weren’t serious about meeting in the first place. But, now came the difficult part: how to handle clients I had met before and did not wish to see again.
I will note, most clients that pass my screening and meet with me are welcomed back. It is not often that I meet someone and do not wish to see them again. Yet, it still happens, for any number of reasons. One of the most common is poor hygiene. If your breath and/or balls stink, there’s a good chance I don’t want to get naked with you again. Considering that we are all adults, and that I provide mouthwash, soap, and towels, there is no excuse for anyone to get between the sheets smelling less than fresh. While many clients insist they want to be told if they smell, consider the risk of a 110lb woman telling a grown man to his face that he stinks. It’s quite possible someone could take offense, and potentially hurt me.
Other reasons I may pass on meeting again with an established client could include incompatible preferences, poor impulse control, excessive communication, game playing, and chronic cancelling. While some argue that they can’t fix the problem if I don’t tell them what it is, the reality is that there are many clients who are non-problematic. While I enjoy my role as a companion, ultimately it is a business - it is a better use of my resources to devote time and energy to the many wonderful clients I do have rather than trying to “fix” the ones who aren’t a good fit. That being said, I do value my relationships with long-term regulars and will attempt to correct an issue if I feel it is something they would be receptive to and I feel safe doing so.
Bolstered by the mostly positive responses I received when declining screening forms, I decided to be more direct with established clients whom I did not wish to meet again. Once again, to my surprise, most people initially responded in a polite manner. But as I predicted, it was more difficult for people who had already met me to accept that I did not want to see them again. Some continued to contact me for weeks afterwards, begging me to reconsider. I understand that it can be hard to accept that a provider you felt you had a connection with does not want to see you again, but please don’t put me in a position of having to tell you a second or third time! If a provider changes her mind about seeing you, she will reach out.
I also think part of the problem is that most providers, myself included, will not tell you in person if there is a problem. Perhaps on your way out the door, you said “I can’t wait to see you again” and she smiled and responded, “Me too”, only to later inform you she isn’t interested in meeting again. This can be confusing for the client; it seemed like she had a great time, why doesn’t she want to see me again? Once again, this comes down to safety. Telling a client to their face that I did not have a good time with them could potentially result in the situation escalating into verbal or physical aggression. They may be a rational person who is not predisposed to violence, however there is often no way of knowing this until I find out the hard way.
In addition to some clients refusing to accept that I no longer wanted to see them, there were a few instances that made me reconsider my more assertive approach. Perhaps the most disturbing was a man who I had seen several times back in 2017. This was prior to my screening days, and I only knew him by a first name and a review board handle. He had been contacting me every couple months for over a year, and I hadn’t responded. But I felt bad ignoring him, and decided to politely tell him that I wasn’t interested in meeting again. He asked if I knew who he was, but ultimately wished me the best of luck and to be safe. Wow, I thought. Maybe I was wrong in not taking a direct approach sooner!
The next day I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize. “Hey Karen, I’m kinda new to this, just in a few months. I’ve read past reviews and saw your ad on Tryst. Would you have any interest in meeting new people? My name is ******. Feel free to ask anything you need to know about me. Thank you 😊”. I directed him to fill out a screening form, which he did the next day, using his ID for verification. Three days later I reached out to let him know he was verified. He was from out of town and his availability was limited, so for the next three months, we attempted to schedule a meeting. The day before we were scheduled to meet, he texted me to confirm. He expressed that he was looking forward to meeting me, then complimented my blog and website. Although we were supposed to get together the next morning, he asked if I’d be interested in coming to his hotel that Sunday night instead. Given that I don’t work on the weekends, and prefer incalls for the first meeting, I declined. There was a tiny nagging feeling in the back of my head, but I dismissed it. This guy seemed great on paper, what am I worried about?
An hour before our scheduled meeting on Monday morning, I texted him to confirm. He assured me that he would be there. So, I took an Uber to the hotel, showered, and prepared for our date. At 9:58am, he sent me a long text. “Well, I have seen you many years ago [sic], tried to reconnect, and for whatever reason, you told me that if you don’t answer texts, I should have figured out you weren’t interested in seeing me. I was a bit disappointed, since we visited over 10 times” (actually it was 3 times 🙄). He continued, “So I decided to add this text app and get qualified, which I did. Just thought I would return the favor, that I’m not interested in meeting with someone who thinks they are great [sic]”.
My first reaction was to wonder how this guy got past my screening? But as I mentioned, I hadn’t seen him in 4 years, and I never knew him by his legal name, only a nickname and a review board handle. Looking back, although his ID picture looked familiar, photos taken at the DMV are rarely an accurate representation of what someone really looks like! What amazed me was that he was so intent on getting revenge that he was willing to reveal his full name, address, and date of birth just to intentionally stand me up. I also marveled that a 60-year-old man could be so childish. There is a huge difference in politely telling someone you do not wish to see them again so they can move on, and purposely setting up a meeting with the intent of cancelling. The equivalent would have been me allowing him to book and sending him to a fake address, only to tell him when he arrived that I wasn’t interested. In a way, I almost felt bad for him. I couldn’t imagine what must be going on in his head that he would devote three months of his time to scheduling a date he didn’t intend to keep to get revenge against me for politely telling him I wasn’t interested.
I suppose this person wanted me to be upset that I had lost the booking, or feel regret at declining to meet him again. Actually, all it did was confirm to me that I was right for not wanting to see him in the first place. Someone who behaves in this way is not mentally stable, and certainly not someone I want to be alone in a room with. I considered for a moment what would have happened if I had shown up at his hotel on that Sunday night. Would he simply have stood me up? Or would something worse have happened?
Instead of making me cry, feel bad, or lose out on money (I immediately scheduled a last-minute booking 😉), it had the opposite effect. It taught me to be more thorough in my screening methods, and to pay closer attention to the information at hand. It also reminded me to listen my instincts. In my time as a companion, I have learned that my intuition is almost always right, I just have to trust it. Sometimes the people who present as “perfect clients” are actually wolves in sheep’s clothing. In fact, some of the most dangerous men I have met impressed me with their charm during our first meeting, only to reveal their true nature later. This is one of the reasons I refuse to do FaceTime meetings or coffee dates as a form of screening. Some of the worst monsters are more than capable of being polite and charming for a short period of time.
The reality is that there is no easy way for companions to inform potential suitors that we are not interested in meeting. I can only speak for myself, but I do not derive any pleasure from rejecting someone. Unfortunately, it is part of the job, and I do my best to deliver rejection in the most gentle way possible while maintaining my safety.
I hope this has shed some light on the “no thank you” text you may have received, or perhaps helped you understand why you may not have received any communication at all. If you are on the receiving end of rejection, my advice is to not take it personally, even though it may feel that way. Consider that perhaps the companion felt you were not a good fit for each other, and move on to your next choice. If you are continually being told “no” by providers, maybe it is time to examine your approach. Are you following directions for contact and booking? Are you respecting boundaries – not blowing up her phone at all hours of the night, repeatedly sending “???” texts, etc.? Are you asking questions that could make her uncomfortable?
It is also possible that you are being rejected because you have acted inappropriately with other providers and are now on a blacklist (yes, they actually exist). If this is the case, and you feel you can now conduct yourself like a gentleman, my advice is to be honest right off the bat. “I know I have a history of no call, no show, would it be possible for me to pay the donation up front?” At least with me, self-awareness and accountability go a long way. On the flip side, attempting to hide your identity or trying to trick us may work for a short time, but ultimately, we will figure out who you are. Despite the provider drama you see on Twitter from time to time, the majority of us local ladies do work together to keep each other safe.
I am a firm believer that my time as a companion has helped me improve my ability to be assertive and set boundaries, despite my innate aversion to confrontation. While I have experimented with a more direct approach in dealing with rejection, I wouldn’t necessarily advocate this in every circumstance. There are still people I won’t engage with due to fear of a harmful reaction. Each of us ladies has had different experiences that have shaped us for better or worse. Ultimately, the way a companion chooses to handle rejection comes down to her preferences, comfort level, and intuition. It’s important to remember that we are human beings just like you – with fears, flaws, scars, and imperfections. Please be kind to us, and we will return the favor!
Xo Karen
To anyone who has received a “no thank you” from me and handled it gracefully, I appreciate your maturity and class. Thank you for being gentlemen.
To those who maybe haven’t handled it so well: hey, thanks for keeping me on my toes. It’s never good to get too comfortable.
As always: thank you to my loyal friends, followers, clients, and fans for your support. You guys make it all worth it!
And a special thank you to @TheBuffaloon, my trusted editor, graphic artist, and friend. You’re awesome :)