Porn: The Good, the Bad & the Ugly (Part II)

Part II: The Good vs. the Bad 

THE GOOD

      For as long as porn has existed, there have always been people who have tried to suppress it. From the pope in 1524 banning a set of erotic sketches to the ominous Time Magazine cover in 1995 that warned parents of the dangers of the new “Cyberporn”, porn has been in the hot seat for centuries. Some opponents believe pornography is addictive, others that it poisons the minds of our youth, and ruins marriages. However, research in recent years has shown that there are actually quite a few benefits of watching pornography. From increasing sexual satisfaction, to providing a safe outlet for sexual expression, to spicing up a stale relationship, and even normalizing kink, watching porn can be part of a happy and healthy sex life.

       In my survey I asked two different “select all that apply” questions which contained a mix of positive and negative statements about porn. The graph below shows which percentage of respondents selected the positive options .

      The number one reason given for watching porn was to provide stimulation during masturbation, with 83.5% of respondents selecting this option. Porn can provide visual and auditory support to the imagination during self-pleasure. PatientJ says, “I find porn lets me live out some fantasies mentally”. DM writes, “Age has made it harder to maintain an erection during masturbation. Porn provides the constant stimulation needed to have a happy ending”. JJ shares, “My sex life doesn't have the excitement it once had when I was younger. I guess I use it to explore places I’ve never been”. So for some guys, porn improves the quality of their solo sessions. Which is a good thing, considering that there are numerous health benefits associated with regular masturbation, including stress reduction, improved sleep quality, elevated mood, increased concentration, and pain relief [7].

       Watching porn does not always have to include jerking off. For 46% of respondents, porn is a source of entertainment.  TomCat explains, “Sometimes porn is a nice diversion from the realities of life. For me, that's especially the case with the more upbeat videos”. Striker agrees, “It’s an escape into a fantasy world for a short period of time”. In addition to the health benefits associated with masturbation, research suggests that viewing sexual images (even without masturbation) can be a form of entertainment and stress relief.  A 2013 study found that men who were shown erotic pictures of women experienced a decrease in their stress levels . They also demonstrated increased performance on a math test compared to the control group who was shown non-erotic images [3]. Got a big presentation at work tomorrow? Maybe try watching some porn the night before! (Just make sure to close your browser windows before you project your computer screen in front of the entire office 😉)

     The vast selection of porn on the internet today encompasses a seemingly infinite number of genres, fetishes, and kinks. “Whatever floats your boat, rocks your cock, or rings your g-spot, there is something for everyone’s sexual taste,” Raizin muses. Ever heard of knismolagnia? It’s not a disease; it’s the fetish of being tickled. What about somnophilia - which is being aroused by a sleeping or unconscious partner? Any katoptronphiliacs out there? If there are, then you enjoy watching yourself get freaky in the mirror. For pretty much every fetish that exists, there is a corner of the internet catering to those who enjoy it. Santiago shares, “I believe porn helped me identify what I like/what I don't like in sex (also my ‘type’ of woman, in terms of physical appearance) and definitely taught me anatomy”. BuffChastityJoe agrees, “[Porn] has widened my sexual awareness and gotten me interested in some fetishes I probably would have never tried (or even known about without it)”.

       Porn also helps some people feel a sense of normalcy regarding their sexual preferences. Gentlemen who felt their fetish was strange or a source of shame explain how porn made them feel less alienated. “Seeing the variety of kinks and different kinds of porn has helped me to be open and comfortable with my own sexuality and not feel like my preferences are wrong or weird,” says Calumetk.  Another respondent explains how porn provides him with a safe place to explore his fetishes, “I had some sexual experiences *very* early in life. This led to an increased sexual appetite and curiosity, but also a lot of guilt and shame. Pornography was a natural outlet to explore things I found exciting without experiencing guilt, shame or embarrassment with a female in my personal life,” JB Footman.

     It would be great if we could all have as much sex as our hearts (and loins) desired. The reality is that sometimes it is just not feasible or safe to have sex with a partner. Social isolation, relationship problems, medical issues, or being single can all result in a situation where you are unable to engage in sexual intercourse as much as you may like. Porn offers a safe alternative. JJ shares, “It is a safe way for me to experiment sexually in my mind without taking a lot of risk”. Some gentlemen use porn to fill in the gaps between having sex with their partner. For Anon#8, “It makes up the difference between my partners and my sex drive”. DM explains, “There are times when it's easier to watch porn to ‘get off’ rather than taking the time to get a partner interested, in bed and going. So, it can be a fast way to get relief when you need it”.  Other gentlemen rely on porn for sexual satisfaction in a relationship that lacks physical intimacy.  “Considering I'm not getting any sex from my spouse, masturbation is my only release, and porn helps with that”, WNYman says. Calumetk is in a similar situation, “Porn gave me a sexual outlet that made my relationship that was no longer intimate bearable”.

       While jerking off to porn is not the same as experiencing physical intimacy with another person, it is often a safer and more convenient alternative to infidelity. Em recalls , “When I was younger, I found that while I was in a relationship it kept me from having a wandering eye on other girls”. Nagy writes, “It was an outlet when we were not getting along and it helped me avoid her and facing/resolving our problems. When we did start dealing with our problems, my use of porn went down”. For another respondent, porn provides an emotionally safe alternative to the turbulence of romantic relationships. McGraww69 shares, “I feel pornography played a safe role for me. Being involved in relationships that failed, it was easier to watch porn and masturbate then take a chance of being rejected in a physical relationship”.

      While watching porn is a solo activity for many people, some use porn to enhance their sex lives with their partner. Anon#7 asserts, “It makes my [sex] life so much better because I get hot new ideas to try out with my ladies”. That seemed to be a common sentiment, with 65% of respondents reporting that porn gave them new ideas to try with their partner. DM says, “In the past, I've watched porn with girlfriends and they have been more open to trying new things after seeing them”.

In a “select all that apply” question, 14.9% of respondents revealed that they watched porn with their partner.  When asked directly about watching porn with a partner, 45.21% reported that they did, ranging from 33.33% on a rare basis to 0.77% on a constant basis.* Anon#10 writes, “I think [it’s the] most fun to watch with a partner…to look at it when deciding on role play (you and partner want to have a kitchen romp, watch some ‘samples’) and finally to get aroused and be able to translate that into passion with your partner”.

* A large randomized study by Pew Research Center in 2018 found that subjects were more likely to underreport events in a “select all that apply” question vs. a direct question [5]. This explains the discrepancy in my study: when presented with a variety of statements about porn and instructed to “select all that apply”, only 14.9 % of respondents selected “I watch it with my partner”. However, when asked directly, 45.21% reported watching porn with their partner. Basically, you are more likely to get an accurate answer asking each question individually and directly rather than using a “select all that apply” approach. I was not aware of this prior to conducting my survey, but I will definitely keep it in mind for the next one!

Can watching porn increase your sexual confidence? 17.6% of respondents say that it can. One gentleman claims that porn is the ultimate key to learning skills in the sack. “As men I think [porn] is really our only way of getting better at it: sex”, says Mr.Moon. Other respondents shared that porn was a way for them to learn about sex in their younger years. Emmett remarks, “Frankly, porn as a teenager was my teaching tool , so to speak”.

      According to a study by the National Union of Students, the majority of high school students learn about sex through porn [1]. Although many parents may cringe at the thought of their teens watching porn, the reality is that kids are more likely to seek answers about sex from PornTube than from their Sex Ed. class. While it is certainly possible to glean some useful information from porn, 75% of students in the study admitted that porn ultimately gave them unrealistic expectations about sex. And considering that most porn does not deal with crucial elements of healthy and safe sex such as consent, contraception, and STI protection, it is concerning that so many teenagers rely on it as their primary source of sexual education. Fortunately, some producers are rising to meet the demand for educational porn. One such filmmaker is Erika Lust of Lust Films, who creates instructional porn that is meant to inform as much as it’s meant to arouse. I think it’s a great idea to develop content that deals with real-life situations that teens may encounter and presents sex in a healthy, safe, and fun light!

---

THE BAD

     It’s no secret that porn has gotten a bad rap for years. It has been blamed for everything from divorce to impotence. But there may be validity to some of the concerns about porn. The chart below shows the percentage of respondents that reported negative consequences from watching porn.

While the majority of respondents reported that porn gave them new techniques to try in the bedroom, and one gentleman even endorsed porn as the ultimate secret to sexual prowess, others warned that porn is not necessarily on par with reality. “Porn does not realistically portray a truly meaningful sexual encounter, which includes some emotion and connection for those of us that truly worship and adore women,” warns Anon#1. Jim cautions, “It is a SEXUAL PERFORMANCE, which rarely indicates what occurs in real life. I would encourage anyone to google a behind the scenes view of an actual porn shoot. Yes I have done it and it was an eye opener!”

            While it may be possible to learn from porn: new positions, roleplays, fetishes and kinks, “Trying to make what we see in porn a reality is dangerous and leads to disappointment”, says Rwithanr. Respondents agreed, with 20.3% reporting that porn gave them unrealistic expectations about sex. Some discovered that their real-life sexual experiences did not measure up to the novelty and kink found in porn . A man who becomes accustomed to watching young college students participating in an orgy may find himself struggling to muster up the same level of enthusiasm when in bed with his overweight, sexually reserved wife of twenty years. “When I was watching a lot of porn it made me less interested in sex with my partner,” JD1 recalls. Others developed a skewed sense of what women desire based on the behavior of the performers. Yeahitsme cautions, “I'll venture a guess the spitting, and some of the other maneuvers aren't really going to go over with most women”. Just because a porn actress (key word being actress ) appears to be thrilled with a certain activity such as having cum all over her perfectly made-up face, doesn’t necessarily mean a woman in real life will express the same enthusiasm when salty mascara is dripping in her eyes.

         Want to know the secret to making a woman orgasm? According to porn, it’s simple. All you have to do is ask, “Are you going to cum for me?” and all of the sudden – she’s having an orgasm! In real life, it may require different types of stimulation for a woman to reach orgasm . And it may not happen multiple times, or even every time you have sex. Relax – believe it or not, it’s possible for a woman to enjoy a sexual experience even if she doesn’t reach orgasm . Ever heard the phrase, “It’s not about the destination, but the journey”? Yeah, that also applies to sex.  

      From my perspective as a woman, there are other aspects of porn that do not translate to reality. For example, in porn I often see the male actor furiously rubbing, smacking, and fingering a woman’s vagina. Maybe it’s just me, but that does NOT feel good . Another common theme in porn is marathon pounding – scene after scene of vigorous, non-stop penetration. Interestingly, in a poll of over 2,300 women, 61% said the ideal amount of penetration was between 5 – 10 minutes, with foreplay accounting for an additional 10 minutes [2]. Only 26% said they wanted penetration to last longer than 11 minutes. That may seem surprisingly short; however according to a study of over 500 couples, the average male reaches the finish line in five and a half minutes [4]. This is a huge difference from many porn films which portray the female actress happily being penetrated for an hour or more . It probably doesn’t help that our culture perpetuates the myth that in order to be a “stud”, you need to pound your partner until she taps out . All women are different, but from my own experience and talking with other women, rarely, if ever, do we desire to be penetrated non-stop an extended period of time.

        I also almost never see lubrication being used in porn, which is often necessary in real life to avoid vaginal tearing and pain. Over the years I have had some gentlemen ask me if I “have to use lube”, believing it was an indication that I was not truly aroused. The reality is, just as men cannot push a button and get rock hard whenever they want, for as long as they want, women cannot push a button and produce adequate lubrication for every sexual situation. I’m not saying every woman needs to use lube in every encounter, but I believe the almost complete absence of it in porn has fueled the misconception that it is unnatural to use lube.   

       The divide between porn and reality can have a negative effect on men’s self-esteem, too.  In my study, 20% of the respondents reported that porn made them feel inferior about their body and/or penis size. Another 13.8 % reported that it made them self-conscious about their lack of sexual experience. Icewatermansion shares, “I know that porn is not real, but it makes me wish I had a bigger penis.  It makes me wish I could give my partner an orgasm (multiple) in 30 seconds every single time.  It makes me wish I was more like the actors”. I have witnessed this firsthand as a companion: many men believe their penis is too small, when in reality it is normal sized or even above average! Porn producers often seek out male actors with unusually large genitalia, which is then made to seem even bigger through strategic camera angles. 

      It is important to remember that the purpose of porn is not for the performers to have a satisfying sexual experience, but rather to create a finished product that is visually appealing and will turn a profit. Just because a woman appears to be having the time of her life in a porn video does not mean that she is actually experiencing pleasure. Just because a well-hung man appears to be a sexual god does not mean that he actually is; or that large genitalia is a pre-requisite for pleasuring your partner. Take my word for it 😉  

          In my role as a paid companion, I am happy to provide interested clients with a porn-esque  experience, as long as it does not make me uncomfortable or violate my boundaries. If you want me to “cum” when you say “cum”, I’ll cum (magic, eh?). However, if I was in a real-life relationship and my partner believed the key to making me orgasm was to smack my vagina and order me to cum, we would probably not be together long. I can also imagine that if a significant other expected me to act like a porn star every time we had sex, it would get old pretty fast.

        Porn can skew our perceptions, which in turn can impact our relationships. Tomdsoj explains, “Significant others have been turned off by my watching porn or felt that porn has made me have unrealistic expectations”.  In a “select all that apply” question, 11.1% of respondents reported that porn had a negative impact on their relationships. In a more direct question, that number rose to 18.39%**.

**Another example of a discrepancy between a “select all that apply” question and a direct question. When instructed to “select all that apply”, only 11.1% of respondents chose “porn has had a negative impact on my relationship”. However, when asked directly, 18.39% reported a negative impact on their relationship.

       Anon#11 says, “My wife is totally against porn”. Some women may feel that their partner watching pornography is a sign of dissatisfaction with the relationship. Other women are afraid that they just don’t measure up to the thin, busty, and often artificially enhanced actresses. Anon#4 points out, “My wife feels inferior to porn actresses”. Jacques shares, “Once or twice we did watch porn together while having sex.  I can honestly say I probably enjoyed that more than she did.  I believe it was bad for her self-esteem so we stopped”.

       A 2017 meta-analysis (compilation of research) found that women were negatively impacted by the knowledge that their partner is a consumer of pornography [9]. Several studies have shown frequent porn consumption to be related to lower levels of marital satisfaction. A 2017 longitudinal study, where the same subjects are observed over a period of time, found that men who began watching pornography doubled the likelihood of divorce, from 6% to 11%, by the next wave of the study [8]. Of course, that doesn’t mean if you watch porn your relationship is in jeopardy or that you are doomed to get divorced. Research explores the correlation between several chosen variables, and there is always the possibility of the results being skewed by factors that have not been accounted for.

       While over half the respondents reported that porn gave them new ideas to try with a partner, some explained that their enthusiasm turned to disappointment when they realized their partner was not on board with exploring new ideas. Anon#18 comments, “There's so much niche content that my spouse would never do effectively, or excitedly”.  JB Footman explains how porn helped him explore his foot fetish, with unintended consequences. “Viewing a great deal of foot fetish pornography has greatly expanded my preferences. For example, [now] I want a woman to step on my penis. I feel like now that I have even more defined fantasies re: feet , I am even less likely to find someone in my personal life that would indulge this as part of our relationship”. BuffChastityJoe agrees that while porn opened up a new world for him, he quickly realized he would not be able to share that world with his partner: “[Porn] made me realize how exceptionally vanilla and reserved my wife is and how many sexual options are out there that she's just not interested in. It's made me aware of so many things I've wanted to try and had to go elsewhere to experience.”

       For some of these men, the fantasies they were exposed to in porn led them to seek out sex workers in lieu of a willing partner at home. Peater shares, “My sex drive is stimulated by thinking about having sex with young women. That is what drove me to the hobby.” Rwithanr reflects, “I would say that watching porn was what led me to seek out sex workers for sex. My partner of many years never had much interest in sex except for the means of procreation”. Many clients have confided to me that one of the primary reasons they began seeing companions was a lack of intimacy at home. Others felt uncomfortable sharing their sexual desires with their partners; or had already faced rejection from doing so. Some critics believe that sex workers are responsible for leading men to infidelity. In my opinion, sexual intimacy is a human need. If that need is not being fulfilled at home, eventually people look elsewhere. One of the benefits of spending time with a companion as opposed to having an affair is the ability to satisfy the need for intimacy in a safe environment with clear boundaries.
 

I posted my survey on Twitter and my website, both of which are sex-work related. I therefore deduced that everyone who responded to my survey had at least some exposure to sex work, either as clients or simply as curious online browsers. I was interested to see what percentage actually had real life interactions with sex workers : 85.4% reported spending time with a companion at some point, with the 18-30 age category at 65.5% and the 51-70+ age category at 93.7%. So, for all you guys out there who think you are “too old” to see a provider, think again!

     In preparation for this study, I spoke with many of my clients about their relationship with porn. My position as a sex worker gives me a unique window into the male mind; and many of my clients are comfortable talking openly with me about porn and sexuality without fear of judgement. Some of them confessed that they watch too much porn, and that they believe it may have a negative effect on their real-life sexual interactions. One gentleman explained that it is hard for him to get aroused without certain cues that he picked up from watching porn, such as dirty talk. This led him to seek out sex workers, who are generally more open and willing to accommodate his desires than a romantic partner might be.

     So, is porn good or bad? Is it dangerous fantasy that results in low self-esteem and disappointment, or a supplement to a healthy sex life? According to the respondents in my study, it’s both. Like many pleasurable activities, it would seem moderation is key to reaping some of the benefits porn has to offer. In this section we discussed some of the negative outcomes of watching porn: developing unrealistic expectations about sex, a decrease in confidence and self-esteem, and potentially causing turbulence in romantic relationships. In the next section, we will explore another potential consequence of porn: erectile dysfunction! 

---

Thanks for reading; and for the continued support from my clients, friends, and followers <3

Thank you to everyone who contributed to my survey and has helped make this project a success - you are appreciated :) There will be more contributions from you guys in the next two sections!

To my tireless editor and graphic designer, @TheBuffaloon - I couldn’t do it without you!

References

1.       Ashely, B. (2020, September 3). Inside the world of educational porn. Retrieved June 20, 2021, from RestlessNetwork.com: https://www.restlessnetwork.com/inside-the-world-of-educational-porn/

2.       Benoit, S. (2019, April 18). This is how long sex should last. Retrieved June 20, 2021, from GQ.com: https://www.gq.com/story/how-long-should-sex-last-self

3.       Denson, T. F., Satyshur, M., Pacilio, L. E., & Creswell, D. (2013). The Effect of a Primary Sexual Reward Manipulation on Cortisol Responses to Psychosocial Stress in Men. Psychosomatic Medicine, Psychosomatic Medicine 75:397Y403. Retrieved from https://sci-hub.st/10.1097/PSY.0b013e31828c4524

4.       Hooley, E. (2017, September 12). Fantasy vs. reality: 11 porn lies that could ruin your sex life. Retrieved July 4, 2021, from MTV.com: http://www.mtv.co.uk/life/news/fantasy-vs-reality-11-porn-lies-that-could-ruin-your-sex-life

5.       Lau, A. &. (2019, May 9). When online survey respondents only select some that apply. Retrieved June 14, 2021, from Pew Research Center: https://www.pewresearch.org/methods/2019/05/09/when-online-survey-respondents-only-select-some-that-apply/

6.       Meet Erika Lust. (n.d.). Retrieved July 4, 2021, from ErikaLust.com: https://erikalust.com/about/about-erika

7.       Nichols, H. (2020, January 23). Are there side effects to masturbation? Retrieved June 20, 2021, from Medical News Today: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320265#masturbation-myths

8.       Perry, S., & Schliefer, C. (2018). Till porn do us part? A longitudinal examination of pornography use and divorce. Journal of Sexual Research, 55(3), 284-296. doi:doi: 10.1080/00224499.2017.1317709.

9.       Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2017). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A Meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 43(3), 315-343. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12108